Hope tends to be an exceptionally fleeting thing for me. I actually quite loathe myself whenever I obtain any of it.
“I’d love to do ____ with you Kristine!”
“We’ll have to do ____ together!”
Weeks turn into months, turn into years… and whatever was promised was to never be fulfilled. The amount of time I’ve spent soloing and waiting on whoever friend made whatever promise to me is rather sickening, and very depressing. Yet, when I’m asked for a favor, I typically try to turn it out and finish it immediately if I don’t currently have another hindrance (such as a promise to someone else to wait on them) blocking my path.
I desperately long to have a small group, maybe even just two other people, to consistently do stuff together in MMOs with. At this point I question who’s god I need to worship or who’s dick I need to suck to even get one other person. So much content I’ve had to skip because I just couldn’t see them solo. I want to do Nyzul badly, I want to rank up in assault. I want to do instances. I just… want company.
Typically those that make such promises to me have such small groups and have absolutely no concept as to how difficult it has been for me to PuG 90% of what I have accomplished, and still having so little done. I’m watching FFXI die all around me, and knowing I’ll never get anything done at this rate.
It’s honestly at the point that whenever I hear the line, “we’ll have to …” muttered, I want to quit all gaming right then and there. I don’t like the constant feeling of empty hope. I have a husband that barely wants to play anything, yet hinders me from playing without him out of jealousy… and no friends that I can rely on or be willing to backtrack a little for me to catch up. I seriously question, why bother? MMOs aren’t meant to be played solo, yet here I am… and very depressed about it.
The amount of energy I actually usually put into hiding how I feel is also asinine. I never really intended to level so many jobs… they’re just a good time filler while “hoping” for something better to come along. A lot of my idea is to get into parties, make new friends and try to network more people to ask… and this obviously isn’t working as they’ve already got their little cliques and I’m just an outsider or the “go to” person to fill a slot. The number of Nyzul runs I’ve been on just to be told I can’t lot anything, yet that run wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t shown up is just a massive kick to the teeth.
And I know this isn’t a unique topic for me, it just hit a head again today as yet a couple more, what I can just safely assume with the track record, empty promises were made to me within half hour of each other.
No related posts.
Sorry that you feel the way you do
. Granted I dont really need you, I'm just looking at Arcsol's friends page, although I partied with your sch in the dunes recently 
. Looking at some of your other posts it appears that you have a dynamis linkshell.
Perhaps you just need more events in the game to keep you busy so your not overthinking stuff and getting down on yourself. Maybe you could look for things outside of dynamis that interest you and perhaps you could build some friendships off of. Granted FFXI is dying but if you still enjoy playing the game, might be a good idea to figure what types of things interest you and if theres any linkshells that might fit your needs.
Keep your chin up
Zubuis ~
O.o Yea, I just sat down and saw your /t's a little while ago… definitely was passed out on the couch in front of the TV when you sent them. Sorry about that, I rarely leave myself idled and logged in when I go afk for a long period of time… but just got a new modem yesterday and kind of testing it to see if I'd disconnect again (and so far so good).
Took me by surprise though, to be honest… I always think my LJ is never seen and that I'm rather invisible… so anytime it's proven the opposite it takes me off guard. I don't write for attention, I just write… to write, lol.
I know a lot of my difficulty stems from the fact I'm stupidly shy and tend to stick to small LSs. Right now, aside from my dynamis LS, all I have is an exceptionally small social shell that has oh… four active people in it not including myself and my husband. And it's been like this for the past few years. I've been debating what to do after I obtain my Maat's Cap, but again, it goes back to my shyness and I tend to stumble a lot. I'm very aware a lot of my issues are self imposed… which makes it all the more frustrating to deal with.
I completely understand how you feel. My husband plays FFXI but less wholeheartedly than I do. So when I finally managed to get Captain rank through other peoples shouts he said something about me doing things without him and he didn't like it. Thing was he wasn't even interested in doing assault every time I asked him.
Most of the things I've done in game have been as the result of other people asking me for help. If I try to get something done myself it generally blows up in my face. And because I'm now EU, there isn't a lot of choice of linkshells. There's actually two. One will force me to quit the Dyna LS I helped make and run, the other destroyed our Limbus group by “inviting” our members to come with them.
I try to do things with RL friends in game, but they are on completely different time frames and have work, school and life, which I don't blame them for, but it means I see precious little of them online, and don't get to do many fun things with them.
I myself would love to have a small group of people just to mess around with, but it would have to be a group of people I liked and trusted enough to not do stupid things (which unfortunately are few and far between). So I'm stuck meriting/leveling and crafting.
I'm glad I've finally, after two years, been able to convince my husband to play LOTRO more over the past month… but it still doesn't change the fact I'm still waiting on him for practically everything else. In FFXI he doesn't even have sky access and aside from his 75BLM… 38WHM is his next highest job and everything else below 20 which greatly limits what we're capable of doing together due to his lack of flexibility. I ask him why won't he go do something in one of the MMOs to progress, and he opts to play the playstation, or more insult to injury… the downloaded Nintendo ROMs he has on his PC instead. Which drives me all the more nuts when he gets upset when I go and do something without him in an MMO because I got tired of waiting.
Yeah. I know how you feel there. But at the same time, it's hard, because no one is ever on at the same time. We've got enough people to actually -do- stuff, but Krogoth is a butthead and works nights and everyone else…Dread will decide to play WoW or have some RL errand on a day we wanted to do something, then the next day I'll have to work, then the next day you'll feel crappy and not be on, or Valas commits to something and then has to do something with work…it's just a big cycle of inconsistency. It happens when you get older and keep trying to play this game around, well, life.
I know there's stuff I -really- want to do, but unless we join up with some sort of larger endgame group, I really don't see any of it getting done. And if we do that, we're then beholden to a schedule…and I can't really be scheduling life around the game and not the other way around anymore. =(
Remember when you were helping camp Simurgh last year? I know I said at least a few times amongst my massive thank yous… that I could never even dream of camping it prior because I never had anyone I could ever rely on to ask. This frustration over hope is now over five years built up and I'm by no means directing it towards any specific people… with the exception of David because he honestly has been the biggest hindrance of me doing a lot of things.
I know other things in life come up, and even attention on a game can be hard to come by… I honestly, am not logged in often not because I'm not feeling well… but because, if I don't have anything specific to do I won't stay on (although if I'm ever asked over a messenger I'll log on, I just don't like the idea of sitting around for hours twiddling my thumbs and just hoping something will happen that day). And no matter how much I actually do understand, it doesn't help the heartbreak I feel in regards to the massive brickwall I always have blocking my paths… even when I try to find a new route.
If I had the energy I’d log in now and do these with you, but this surgery has kicked my ass pretty hard, not sure when I will be able to sit in front of the PC for more than 30 minutes. Hopefully soon.
Been seeing those updates on Facebook and figured~ What was the surgery for? That I never caught and just didn’t want to be one of those jerks that asked on an update for some reason >.>;
Its not something I tend to talk about since it does require some extensive descriptions sometimes. However it was for Crohn’s a disease I have had for 12 years, effects the bowel, I had 12 inches of infected bowel removed.
Its kinda gross, so yea
Doesn’t bother me any, but I understand. I know you’ve told me you had that before, and I simply forgot~ Sorry. I’ve had a friend of the past ten years with Gardner’s Disease, that and my family in general is pretty gross… so descriptions don’t bother me any, but I understand fully if you don’t want to describe